April 7, 2012
Times flies

In a few short days I will have been in Memphis for a year. It feels like I just got here and like I’ve been here my whole life. I have never, not even for a moment, doubted that moving here was the best decision I’ve ever made. Here is a list of superficial & existential changes this move has afforded me:

-paid off 3 credit cards to date
-got a raise
-found my confidence
-lost weight
-quit smoking
-learn(ing) how to cook
-learn(ing) how to handle my finances
-fell in love with independence
-learned to trust my instincts
-strengthened my self control
-learned to objectively see my family for who they are

This and so much more. I am thankful every single day that this is my life. For a while I was terrified that something bad was going to happen to balance out how wonderful things have been. I’ve since learned to have complete faith in God, that just because something good happened doesn’t mean something bad will and that if I continue to put him first in my life and try my hardest to be a good person- the good things will keep on coming.

Plans for the future:

-I’m waiting for the third Saturday of the month so I could take an orientation class at the local animal shelter. I want to walk the dogs waiting to be adopted like I did in LA. (Not too sure what I need to be ‘taught’ at orientation but whatev’s)
-I’ve been applying my ass off for scholarships so I can go back to college and get my bachelors. Don’t ask, ‘In what?’ because I do not know yet. Still waiting for God to point me in the right direction. I applied to a scholarship where I had to submit 10 pages of poems, not 10 poems but 10 pages worth. I think I had 15? I won’t hear back until August.
-I’ve begun setting aside cash for my tattoo & camera fund. This is the first time I’ve been financially able to do this. Yay!

So anywhoo….  this is me a year later, elated & blessed. <3

February 11, 2012
is this right? have i completed a lease?

notorious for bailing on leases and any binding contractual agreement, verbal or otherwise- have i kept my word? never have i stayed put for longer than 8 months. either i’d bump heads with roommates or crave a change in scenery. infamously irresponsible. but i have here, next to me on my couch, a note from my leasing office.

'your current lease with us expires in may. we hope you will continue to make this your home…'

is this was being an adult feels like?

November 24, 2011

1,000+ miles away from my family, I spent Thanksgiving with wonderful people, who are spectacular parents and who have imperfect kids and I live a life where my every motion and movement is an attempt to reconcile with my father. Somehow we met in the middle, over dinner and my heart almost burst because for a few hours I felt what it would be like to have a father that cares, one that kids and laughs with me and makes fun of me but then watches me walk to my car, tells me to drive carefully and slowly because of policemen and speed traps and who asks I text him when I get home so he knows I’m safe. I cried on the way home because it felt wonderful and I cried because it was beautiful and I’m thankful for tonight.

10:42pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZNTn2yCNpSpF
  
Filed under: Thanksgiving 
November 9, 2011
Suppressed or Mature?

When I get frustrated/angry/upset at work I want to act out and I want to say snarky comments to people I think deserve to be stung with my bad attitude. I mean everyone is entitled to their bad days right? I feel like I never get to have one. Before I am able to say anything I want to say or do anything I want to do I stop myself. Either for fear of causing problems at work or because I hear my mother’s voice in my head. “Work as if you are working for God. Not your boss.” Mostly I am thankful for this but sometimes I feel as though I am just bottling up my feelings. A lot of the time I feel like a push over and that people are taking advantage of me because I don’t blatantly stand up for myself and I don’t know how to do it subtly either. So I just don’t do it. This coupled with the fact that I can’t say no. I feel so weak sometimes. I feel like my feelings get the best of me when they shouldn’t and that I ignore them when I don’t want to. 

August 19, 2011
I’m just going to tell myself he’s gay

that will relieve the pressure.

no pressure.

this. is. not. a. date.

… he’s gay

August 18, 2011

I’m rounding on my third month in Memphis and I already love what moving here has done to me. I’m not yet in love but I am developing a deep affection for Memphis. Living here though and being on my own- it’s a high I’ve never known. I’m learning more about who I am, alert to the woman I’m becoming and letting go of a lot of the things I allowed to hold me back before. I’m still finding the balance between independent and wanting to be part of a pair but I am closer to finding that balance here than I ever was in California. At this moment, I’m feeling blessed and as thankful as my body and spirit could possibly be. By the grace of God, these three months haven’t been awful- dare I say, even easy. Only by his mercy will the next three months be just as sweet.

10:20am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZNTn2y8TD2Vm
  
Filed under: August 18, 2011 
August 10, 2011
karbarkalediscope:

relevant

Perspective

karbarkalediscope:

relevant

Perspective

August 10, 2011
Jeff brought me some chocolate this morning. I wanted to document this. I&#8217;m so blessed to have survived what a horrible boss I had in LA (Sami) and now I have a boss that brings me candy in the morning. :)

Jeff brought me some chocolate this morning. I wanted to document this. I’m so blessed to have survived what a horrible boss I had in LA (Sami) and now I have a boss that brings me candy in the morning. :)

August 9, 2011
More than transitions…

I am left breathless with the fact that my life isn’t a series of relationships and transitions into those relationships. The time between them isn’t a gift or sad or time to recover or whatever- it is life. I get so bogged down by wanting to love, needing to love, that I’m blind to the beauty of my circumstance. My life is blessed.

I

Am

Blessed

July 31, 2011

I went to church today for the first time since I moved here. I don’t know why I put it off but it felt good to be there, to be saying the same prayers, to sing the same songs, to see the crucifix… it puts things in perspective.

I felt at home.